Bad day at the office

So I've been doing this for just over a month now. I've applied for 7 jobs without luck or even a reply.

Then at 11:30am today I was in a team meeting at work & I got the following email.

I'm not 100% sure if I needed to block out the person's name there, but I have anyway.

Yeah I know, I'll put my phone on charge in a minute.

The email contained the ominously named attachment:

"20110216100945556.pdf"

I always get nervous when I see PDF files........or is that paedophiles? I can't remember.

Anyway, here’s what the attachment looked like:

I haven’t blocked out the signature there because they’ve already done a pretty good job of it for me.

I was already suspicious that my application had not been completely successful when West Brom appointed Roy Hodgson 6 days ago, but it’s nice to get confirmation.

At times of crisis like these I often ask myself “what would Jesus do?” So I did. And I did what Jesus would do. And what Jesus would do, would be to turn his mind to Brentford.

“Yes!” I thought. The Brentford job still hasn’t been filled, and I applied for that last week.

Then at 4:30pm my world came crashing down again. A friend forwarded me a link.

This link – go on follow it – I’ll wait:

http://www.hounslowchronicle.co.uk/west-london-sport/west-london-brentford-fc/2011/02/17/brentford-want-shortlist-of-six-in-search-for-new-boss-109642-28187538/

These comments are particularly hurtful:

"We have applications towards the 100 mark. Two thirds of those are serious, but the rest are lunchtime managers.”

I can’t believe how many people don’t take this business seriously. It distracts these chairmen from serious candidates like me.

"We're looking for experience in reality, not in 2D!”

So some applicants have been using later versions of the game which I’ve heard have three dimensional action during the matches (give me the flashing text of Champ 01/02 any day).

So in summary, two let-downs within hours of each other.

Boo to Andrew Mills for criticising my fellow managers in the media. Mind you, I doubt the Hounslow Chronicle website is read by millions (yes I understanding the irony of saying that on this poxy* little blog).

Boo also to West Bromwich Albion Football Club for being so unprofessional that they announce the successful candidate almost a week before informing the not-so-successful.

And finally, Hooray to the nameless secretary at West Brom for taking the time to sign, scan, and email a letter to me when other clubs don’t even bother. Thank you Vanessa. Oh Crap, I’ve said it now. Oh well too late. Sorry Vanessa, sort your signature out, it’s a mess.

*Microsoft Word went mental at the use of poxy – it’s a word, right.

West Bromwich Albion F.C. - Application

Dear Mr Peace,

I'd like to offer my application for the currently vacant managerial position at West Bromwich Albion F.C.
Below is my C.V. for your consideration.


Experience

Currently have no actual managerial experience outside of the realm of Championship Manager 01-02. But am confident that the skills I have acquired from this computer game will translate into the real world.

As a demonstration of my skills I have played the entire 2010-11 season with West Bromwich Albion F.C. and following is the detail of how I got on:

First off, it makes a nice change to chance my hand at a Premier League club. I’ve spent far too much time managing lower league clubs with very little revenue. It’s going to be nice to actually buy some players rather than searching for unproven teenagers to take on loan.

Board Expectations:

Right, so we’ve got a relegation battle on our hands. I’ll try to stay up, and realistically a mid-table finish should secure my job.

Backroom staff:

Player/coach Dean Kiely was freed of his coaching responsibilities because basically his stats were rubbish. I brought in Andy Woodman as a full-time coach from Rushden & Diamonds instead. Dean was left to play in the reserves, as I had Scott Carson & Glyn “Boaz” Myhill as cover for the first team.

I could have mad more coaching changes, but what was available wasn’t that much better & I couldn’t be bothered to write about it here.

I should have appointed 2 more physios, but I forgot, sorry.

Playing Squad:

The West Brom squad was pretty good, with a few promising youngsters in the reserves or out on loan.

Transfers:

After analysing the playing staff I decided we were only short a couple of right backs. I had about £4M to spend so finding players should’ve been easy.

Fenerbahce’s ex Everton defender Joseph Yobo was my number one choice, then secondly was Danny Gabbidon. I really don’t rate Gabbidon in the real world, he’s a bit lazy especially for Wales, but I’ve learnt that you have to be impartial and not let your judgement be clouded (except in the case of Ashley Cole).

I got Gabbidon for a snip at £650K & had a bid of around £2.5M agreed for Yobo. But then I ran out of money.

A load of players wanted new contracts and I whittled away around £3M on signing-on fees. Seeing as I’m only going to play this game for one season, perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered with the new contracts. Oh well you live and learn.

Anyway, all the money was gone, so Yobo was a no-no.

Quite a few players left, Romaine Sawyers just wasn’t good enough so was flogged to Scunthorpe.

Gabriel Tamas had a bit of a strop so was transfer listed and picked up by Spartak Moscow.

Late in the season, defenders Nicky Shorey & James Hurst also got stroppy so were sold too.

Leon Barnett was out on loan to Norwich when he was snapped up on a Bosman, if he’d been at the club I would have probably held on to him, but couldn’t judge his skill so it was too late.

By the end of the season, Chris Brunt, Boaz Myhill, Graham Dorrans & Jonas Olsson were all on the transfer list by request. They all wanted to move to bigger clubs, but I was happy for them to leave. Funnily enough no clubs made any offers for them, let alone any “bigger” clubs.

Paul Scharner also found himself on the transfer list, this time at my bidding; he’s just not good enough.

In summary:

1 permanent signings for £650K

6 players sold for £4.7M.

Rejected offers from other clubs

Paul Scharner    £1.7M   Hannover 96

Jonas Olsson    £2.3M   Hertha BSC Berlin

Contracts

Contract extensions were offered and signed by:

Giles Barnes

Gianni Zuiverloon

Simon Cox

Roman Bednar

Luke Moore

Marek Cech

Abdoulaye Meite

Jerome Thomas

Jonas Olsson

The Season:

Cup runs

League Cup

2^nd round – away win 2-0 against Leyton Orient

3^rd round – great 2-1 away win to Stoke

4^th round – 1-0 win away to Wolves

Quarter final – win on penalties against Swansea after a 1-1 draw

Semi-final – outclassed 5-1 on aggregate to Spurs

FA Cup

3^rd round – beat Bristol rovers 2-0 away.

4^th round – disappointing 1-0 loss at home to Birmingham.

Summary:

Good League cup run, but disappointed to lose to our city rivals in the FA cup.

Derby Games:

Traded home victories with Birmingham (although they did knock us out of the cup). Could only manage a single draw with Villa. So OK.

The League

We started poorly, always in the bottom half – mostly just above the relegation zone. We did however have a good home victory against the champions Chelsea. Luckily for us, Wolves, Blackburn & Blackpool were so poor they were way adrift of the rest of the league, so there was little chance of us dropping into the relegation zone.

League table as at 6^th February 2011 (the day the club parted company with Roberto Di Matteo in the real world):

3 places higher than in the real world.

9 points clear of the bottom 3.

We continued this form for the next few months, but then our form perked up at the end, we lost only two of the last ten games. This included a 7-1 smashing of local rivals Birmingham. That result alone should keep my name in the fans’ folklore for generations to come.

The 2010/11 Final Premier League Table:

Mid table obscurity achieved. But Premier league survival is what it’s all about.

Roll of honour:

Club Most Appearances:

Chris Brunt                    44

Jerome Thomas             44

Club Most Man of the Match:

Jerome Thomas               5

Club Most Assists:

Chris Brunt                    15

Club Top Goalscorer:

Jerome Thomas               9

Ishmael Miller                  9

Premier League Young Player of the Month:

Joe Mattock                  February

Premier League Player of the Month:

Gianni Zuiverloon            March

Fans player of the year:

Chris Brunt

International Callups:

Gavin Carlin                   Ireland U21

Kayelden Brown            Wales U21

Joe Mattock                  England U21

Gianni Zuiverloon            Netherlands

Chris Brunt                    Northern Ireland

Roman Bednar               Czech Republic

James Morrison             Scotland

Graham Dorrans            Scotland

Simon Cox                    Ireland

Dean Kiely                    Ireland

Paul Scharner                Austria

Danny Gabbidon            Wales

Boaz Myhill                   Wales

Marek Cech                   Slovakia

Jonas Olsson                Sweden

Gabriel Tamas               Romania

Marc-Antoine Fortune     France

Gonzalo Jara                 Chile

Odemwinge                   Nigeria

Abdoulaye Meite            Ivory Coast

Somen Tchoyi               Cameroon

Attendances:

Lowest:            20,349  vs. Birmingham              FA Cup 4^th round

Highest:           27,870  vs. Stoke                       Premier League

Average:          26,567              (95% capacity)

Finances

Finances were good; I was a bit too generous with granting players signing on fees. This was partly due to the bad luck of having so many players out of contract in the summer. You really need to tie down players to longer term contracts. Anyway I survived by only buying one player, and not a very good player at that.

Our average attendance helped with revenue, we averaged being 95% full. In our biggest gate of the year we were just 7 short of full capacity, perhaps Snow White travelled alone that day. I’m guessing the fans loved the attacking style of football I got the boys to play; we were joint 5^th top scorers.

Anyway, the main revenue came from our final league position, £12.5 million, tidy.

Here’s the how the balance book looked at the end of the season:

Future

I’m not going to bother with another season, but here’s what I’d do:

·         Sign a right back, maybe finally get Yobo, or perhaps someone even better.

·         Sign a centre back.

·         Sell a few strikers, at the moment there are eight in the first team squad which is way too many so I’ll try to offload the worst three.

·         Improve on 10^th place, maybe even dream of European qualification.

·         Improve the backroom staff if stand-out coaching talent becomes available and I can be bothered.

·         Extend a few contracts, but try and be stingier with the signing-on fees.

·         Get the board to expand the stadium, we were full pretty much every game but even so we only had the 16^th best average attendance.

Summary

A good season, premier league survival & managed to avoid a relegation scrap at the end.

League cup semi-finalists

A financial profit made.

As you can see, I would be a great addition to West Brom as my vast experience on Championship Manager has helped me learn a lot about man management, tactics & how to work with a limited budget. All of these could be translated into a real-world environment.

I think I’d also fit into the surrounding area & according to Wikipedia the Baggies have famous fans including Julia Walters, Frank Skinner, Goran Ivanisevic, Cat Deeley, Eric Clapton and Adrian Chiles. And I like all of them except for Chiles obviously. I was quite surprised that Goran Ivanisevic though, I thought he was from Surrey.

I assure you that my knowledge is invaluable and you will not find a better (virtual) manager anywhere else.

Brentford F.C. - Application

Dear Mr Mills,

I'd like to offer my application for the currently vacant managerial position at Brentford F.C.


Experience

Currently have no actual managerial experience outside of the realm of Championship Manager 01-02. But am confident that the skills I have acquired from this computer game will translate into the real world.

As a demonstration of my skills I have played the entire 2010-11 season with Brentford F.C. and following is the detail of how I got on:

Board Expectations:

Not sure what respectable means, but as always I aim to get promoted, so will hope for the playoffs at least.

Backroom staff:

I arrived with Assistant Manager Terry Bullivant and two first team coaches (Scott Marshall & Simon Royce) at the club.

I was happy with Terry & Simon, but terminated Scott Marshall’s contract to allow him to pursue other interests. I brought in a full coaching team in the shape of Peter Cawley, Rhys Wilmot, Robbie Elliott & Paul Parker.

Early in the season head scout John Griffin was touted by Everton & we obviously couldn’t match their offer, so he left us.

Playing Squad:

I inherited a reasonably sized squad, a good mixture of youth and experience. Probably a season or two away from reaching its peak.

Transfers:

After analysing the playing staff I decided we were short a right and left back, a right winger, two left wingers and a holding central midfielder and an attacking central midfielder. In total 7 players.

I had little transfer funds to play with so prioritised the left wing role. In Championship Manager 01-02 the game will only allow two loans at once (unrealistic I know), these spots were already filled by goalkeeper Ben Hamer & striker Robbie Simpson. I had plenty of cover up front so Robbie’s loan was ended early to free up a spot to get a left winger on loan. Sure enough Colchester’s Andy Vincent was brought in for a few months. Jimmy McNulty was also bought from Brighton on the cheap to sure up the defence.

In September, loanee ‘keeper Ben Hamer was bought from his parent club by Sheffield Wednesday, so a new stopper had to be bought, luckily Bryn Halliwell was available for a small fee. This also meant a new player could be brought in on loan, so in came young Welsh defender James Wilson from Bristol City.

Players sold were Simon Moore & Sam Wood due to being surplus to requirements. In November Pim Balkenstein was unhappy as wanted to move to a bigger club, he wasn’t first choice so I sold him for £250K to mighty PSV. In retrospect I could have probably held out for more cash which would have helped with the run-in to the season.

Similarly Michael Spillane became unhappy about not being in the first team, he was given a chance but did not prove himself so he was sold to non-league Luton at the end of the season.

In summary:

2 permanent signings for £120K

4 players sold for £350K.

The Season:

Cup runs

League Cup

1^st round – out-foxed 4-1 away to Championship Leicester.

Johnstone's Paint Trophy

South 1^st round – Appalling 2-0 home loss to lower league Barnet.

FA Cup

1^st round – lost in a 3-2 thriller away to Dagenham & Redbridge after leading 2-0.

Summary:

Pretty rubbish, lost at the first stage each time. A good cup run could have brought in some much needed cash for transfers.

The League

We started OK, always in the top half of the table & mostly in the playoffs. A lengthy unbeaten run which started in November saw us rise up the table and into the automatic promotion places into the new year

League table as at 5^th February 2011 (two days after the club parted with Andy Scott in the real world):

12 places higher than an in the real world.

3 points clear of the playoffs.

The unbeaten league run that started in November lasted until the end of March, a staggering total of 21 games. This saw us consolidate 2^nd spot (Charlton were well clear at the top) and we only lost one more game until the end of the season.

The 2010/11 League 1 Final League Table:

Well clear of the playoffs, along with Charlton we were a different class of team in the division.

Roll of honour:

Praised in the local media:

Leon Legge

Bryn Halliwell

Charlie MacDonald

Club Most Appearances:

Charlie MacDonald         49 (100% attendance)

Club Most Man of the Match:

Charlie MacDonald           5

Nicky Adams                   5

Club Most Assists:

Myles Weston               18

Club Top Goalscorer:

Charlie MacDonald         21

League 1 Players Team of the Year:

Leon Legge

Nicky Adams

Charlie MacDonald

Fans player of the year:

Charlie MacDonald

International Callups:

Michael Spillane            Ireland U21

League 1 Manager of the Month:

James Rees                  February

Attendances:

Lowest:              3,294  vs. Dagenham & Redbridge         League 1

Highest:           11,237  vs. Leyton Orient                        League 1

Average:            7,064

Finances

Little was spent on transfer fees; indeed we generated income from players being sold.

The club’s poor performance in the cups meant that there was hardly any revenue generated there.

Our final league promotion meant a good sum of money coming in at the end of the season.

The club’s average attendance was disappointing, being only the 14^th best in the division.

This lead to an overall gain of £650K, giving the club a great financial platform for strengthening the squad for the step up in division.

Future

In the summer I will attempt to strengthen the squad again, I should have around £6M to spend after getting the Championship TV revenue, a massive figure unheard of at the Bees.

I will again be looking to recruit two right backs, a left back, two left wingers, a right winger, a holding central midfielder and an attacking central midfielder. In total eight players, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to find players of a suitable quality considering the amount of resource I will have.

I’d aim for Championship survival, the team would need some stability because 8 new faces will create some disruption.

I’m happy with my current backroom staff, but changes may occur if stand-out coaching talent becomes available.

Summary

A great season, promotion to the Championship!

A financial profit made.

I doubt the board could be happier with my performance.

As you can see, I would be a great addition to Brentford as my vast experience on Championship Manager has helped me learn a lot about man management, tactics & how to work with a limited budget. All of these could be translated into a real-world environment.

Now this is the bit in these reports when I write about how I would like the area by mentioning local attractions and notable personalities from the area. Unfortunately my research has drawn a blank, the best thing I can do is copy what I wrote for my (as of yet unsuccessful) Barnet application, and say that I like bees because they make honey. The only other thing I can say is “Hey Jude” is my favourite Beatles song.

I assure you that my knowledge is invaluable and you will not find a better (virtual) manager anywhere else.